Right now I'm just going to clean out some of the cob-webs hanging around this journal. My plan is to use this space as just that, a journal. No more, no less. The previous owners of this journal have decided to complete conversion to Christianity. That means, putting an end to what I started and accept Christ as Saviour and Lord in everything. Including the reclamation of this journal.
As of 4/4/07.

These entries hereforth are private thoughts, but I won't bother to hide them from the random people who stumble across this corner of the ether. Transparency is mine policy.

Hey neighbours - long time no see.

Here's the speedy version that I'd like to post:

Since the 22nd of July:
- I've bought an Nokia N97 (UK model) which operates on HSDPA 850/900/2100. This implies a more flexible options of migration, as the phone works 3G in all developed countries, i.e. USA (if I go with AT&T) and Europe, as well as Asiatics. Note that no Australian phones models possess both 850 and 900/2100 - this is why Telstra phones and other 3G phones are incompatible, as the other telcos are planning to do 900 MHz while Telstra is doing 850 MHz. Have I posted this before??

- Have been getting into the genre of modern Australiana literature, perusing such greats as Afferbeck Lauder's Strine books and Robert Treborlang's How to Survive Australia. No, as a nation we don't take ourselves seriously.
Except if you seriously misinterpret Mark Chopper Read. I would suggest that Chopper is actually Lawful Evil, from the way he treats business.
Meanwhile, progress on actual popular literature like Catch-22, Sherlock Holmes complete series, and Don Quixote remain at an appalling <5%, judging by page numbers. Perhaps this man is not cut out for such writing.


- Now an owner of silicone bands. As a man of colours, it seemed expedient. I've always wanted one (that isn't printed with text promoting cause X), and have made a elastic one many months back.
Pity it only has six colours. They don't make rainbows like they used to. Or in my words "The GLBT community isn't actually all-inclusive, because they exclude indigo."

- The latest PostSecret book has arrived at my doorstep.

Work is getting there. Annoyance at the fact that I can't image my thoughts onto the poster presentation led to some extreme measures:


It's tablet time.

Said poster presentation will occur at Surfer's, Queensland starting this Sunday. The plan is to strike this out by Friday, so I can reach Port Mac (at least) that night. So, back to work I go.

- - -
There's been lots of things happening, in other sub-genres of my life. My housemate has improved a lot since we had a talk a few weeks ago, and I have also tied up strings with my old pastor. A new video card was installed on my work computer after a day-night struggle with openSource idiosyncrasies, and now I'm waiting for some extra RAM to finalise the upgrade.

...I am considering installing a tablet program on the work computer as well.

It may be possible that I'm actually sorting my life out now - this may have some connection with the whole "new phase of my life" phenomenon after quitting my old church. My desk is much more organised, Darryl is fixing up the two cars (so I can contemplate selling one), and music has re-entered my everyday sphere.*

'Thank God,' that's what I would say. Funny how I'm also getting compulsions of moving into community-assistance organisations and glbt ministry. I don't pretend to be the saviour of all the disillusioned people out there, but I think doing something would be a good start.

Anyway, first things first. I have a task to do. :P

*I have found a love for some Eric Clapton, and I have the sheet music to prove it.

"As Christians, we must give up even our personal rights - as to believe on Jesus is also to suffer the loss of all things. We have no right of vengeance, no right for justice, no right for fellowship, no right to be supported or comforted, and even no right for human dignity.
We must never allow the pillars of human rights and compassion to become their namesake for us. I say this because we are creatures of grace. For it is because of grace that we derive all the good things of the Lord. Life and breath, friends and family (and other such linguistic contraptions)... every good gift is from above. Thus, our benefits as new creations are but privileges to seek and hold while our surroundings permit.
For this reason, when we support charity - be it World Vision or Wayside - we must found it rather upon the common Grace of God to all man, for they have the right to have Jesus Christ in full measure - the right to live as we do, and better. By these bastions, we fight injustice - not merely for the victimised, but also for the Lord. There is no better way to express our love than to follow God's example.
For this reason, when we support justice and the laws of our nation - we must establish it in the sovereignty of God and His nature as Law-giver, and Judge. We are lawful only as far as God is lawful. We seek vindication only as God would seek vindication - on this topic He says "vengeance is Mine, I will repay" - and therefore we are quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to anger. Let no one suffer for doing what is wrong. ...it could even be said at times: why not rather be wronged? Our destiny is above.

To call our human rights 'rights', is also to risk their taken for granted, and thereby abused. Friends, this ought not to be so. Upon this error we build the essence of self-righteousness and individualism. God did not make us in His image to set us up as 'little gods', did he? Nay, we are to fully reflect the other-ness of God - His superhuman grace and mercy.
Where-ever we find the value of our intrinsic right, grace can no longer be Grace, but a pay that is due. We must give it away. All of it. In the same way did Jesus Christ forsake his rightful place in heaven and come down of his own volition. In that same way did he endure - without cause - for our crimes, and rise for our privilege to be in him. This is why Christ crucified is oft called foolishness to the Gentiles.
Let those who share His sufferings, listen well - you bear the marks of Christ, therefore do not annul your honour by careless parade of your old nature. In humility consider others as being better than yourselves; you have generations of saints before you who endured slavery and persecution for the greater reward. You are far from being alone. Shalom."

This is about my housemate. He's a redneck and all that implies - a tad too impatient, and simplistic in judging human emotion. Doesn't think enough about how other people work differently, or stop to consider his own words.

At the same time, quick to forgive and completely straightforward. Never lies unless he is joking or makes a mistake (though, the two together happens more often than you'd think). Is nice enough to know what's right, and does it. Doesn't have a notion of space-time, but does have an order. Doesn't understand the concept of perspectives, but still gives an ear.

If you ask me at the wrong time, I'd have thought he's an arrogant, self-absorbed, bull-headed jerk who doesn't care about anyone's feelings or respect any semblance of social graces (though I wouldn't say it). Of course, he's totally oblivious to some of those descriptions, and are presumably hard at work on others. The hard thing is to get him in the right place to hear and understand.

However, the primary observation that ticks me off is the problem that I stopped getting a single positive word out of his mouth other than an automated thank-you. This simply will not do.

Lessons to teach:
(1) Phillipians 2:1-6.
(2) Ephesians 5:15-20.
(3) Matthew 12:33-37.
(4) James 1:17-21.

Lessons to learn:
(1) Matthew 6:9-15.
(2) 1Corinthians 1:26-31.
(3) James 1:17-21.

This is the thing I treasure most from the day/night I spent on a detour to Las Vegas.
It came to pass about 1 hour north of the turn-off for Ghost Town, I think.



Fact: I listened to Country music all the way to and from Nevada - this is a good 4 hour drive each way. I know, as a law-abiding believer, that I ain't supposed to break 70 miles an hour, but I was having an Almighty-fine time - with the road rolled out* before me, and some good American-muscle under the bonnet.

...And a little bit of chicken fried
Cold beer on a Friday night
A pair of jeans that fit just right
And the radio on
Well I’ve seen the sunrise
Seen the love in my woman’s eyes
Feel the touch of a precious child
And know a mother’s love...

* Which leads me to another piece of my country favourites (I don't really like their new singer, as recorded). It's times like these I dream of roadtripping with a partner and playing in small, intimate bars all over America.
If Capitol Hill, Seattle accomodated that style of music I'd start with this one along Broadway E (2 doors north of the tobacco shop, IIRC) where I went with Brian on 26 Dec, 2008.

It's that time of year again: I'm marking first year physics exams. Thankfully no one from my first year class is currently friends with me on Facebook, although I'd still preserve their anonymity. For their benefit though, I have this to say:

Thanks for your inventive answers - I can certainly empathise with the stress you felt under exam conditions.

- - -
More importantly, I've been filling my mind with more intellectually stimulating exercises while going the mechanics of circling mistakes, writing numbers and summing them up. This is what I do: when I pick up a paper, I'd critically examine the student's name and their hand-writing. I then attempt to predict the student's ethnic background, previous education, and intellectual orientation (not all physics students specialise in the sciences).
The aim is to correlate this with characteristics in their hand-writing. This is viable for several inter-related reasons:

- The format in which a child learns to write shows through in their writing. This is especially apparent in non-native English users. Some Asiatics lend a 'curvature' and individuality to their characters. Others are not used to the linear nature of english left-to-right, or make facsimiles of each letter. Arabic-style natives may give themselves away immediately in the way they formulate the word 'Question' on the top of each page.
I do wonder if it's possible to pick out European language-backgrounds, though it may be insigificant in comparison with other major factors.

- The way we form letters/numbers 'a,g,q,r,s,2,5,9, etc...' differ amongst how it is taught. You can use this to discriminate between people who learned from American, British, or indeed, common tongue teachers without looking at spelling. It may be possible, but I haven't tried, to differentiate Hong Kong, Mainlanders, and Taiwan, since HK is British, Taiwan American, and mainland China whatever talent they can get.

- The organisation on paper impressed by the mind behind the pen. Orders and patterns, straight-line logical thinking and persona who are curiously geographic in their musings.

- Women and men. Yes, women do tend to write neater. Ask a few girl-friends of different backgrounds to write something. I suppose it's arguable that *physics* is intrinsically male selective, that is, intrinsically less appealing to females, and hence potentially biased.
- And on the subject of neatness, whether the student does economics or education. This is perhaps controversial,because neatness also has a lot to do with, e.g., how prepared you are for said exam. :P *My handwriting noticeably deteriorates from English-gentleman in Question 1 part (a), to positively Einstein-ian by Question 6 part (c). By that I mean relativistic, for the man himself writes quite well.*
By the way, studying engineering, and medical science has no immediate bearing on your handwriting. Nor does IT for that matter, just look beyond those programmers who struggle to forget how to form letters and numbers without the use of a keyboard.

- And finally, socio-economic background. I'm suggesting (a) the obvious factor in the amount of discipline and time spent in training, and (b) the un-obvious factor where we absorb some of our writing from the people around us, as well as the other paraphernalia.
Trust me, I've seen the way Sutherland Shire people write. There are differences. I myself used to write in an American-"accent" and practice upper-class english by curling my "F"s and twisting my "r"s. Each composition was a work of art, until I got used to the lax Australian - in other words, simply loping across the page with wild abandon, and without regard for abstract formalities. That is, unless I write a proper letter.
But hey, I did get used to the writing in a straight line. Chinese learners don't have that benefit, because we learned writing with boxes. Imagine an education where you have to fit your characters in the middle of things and not flush to a line. It's a very different, and subtle, mechanic that you'll discover amidst all these student exams.
So yeah, Chinese exam solutions come in several additional flavours, including Australian-born (but have probably gone to language school) and international-student.

Not that this has anything to do with physics. You can be an absent-minded scrawler, or you can be a fascist with your daily typeface - as long as other people can understand you, Physics doesn't mind.

P.S. I'm just tagging a subset of people who come to mind immediately.

Enjoyed churches today... it feels good to be on schedule.

Expect Ray Charles to make an appearance soon, within hearing range of my piano.

Gone shopping: bought many Threadless T-shirts of the internet (times are changing).

I suspect I've freaked out a friend of mine. I hope that is not the case!

I have a mound of laundry to sort out - which I do while watching Starcraft matches.

...where is that Jobsons Tyres discount card?

At the very end, I'm sick and tired. Though I've concluded that I should be frank and tell everybody, it still feels like a temper-tantrum and ratting out on my old church, neither of which are very honourable.
( Read more... )

I have a small anxiety attack happening right now. Well, my heart is thundering and I feel like developing an ulcer. This may not be relevant to many people on my LJ audience, and a bit of an old-hat, but I recorded here first. I'm re-writing this for facebook in a day or a few.

Ed: I just don't like making air of this one, but again, writing does help. It just seems like that emotional things happen to me all at once.

( Read more... )

Yesterday, minutes after a shopping trip to restock the fridge at home, three loitering youths materialised from the darkness to accost a weary traveler. They offered, amongst almost-cordial greetings, the opportunity to relieve said man of his apparent wealth and communications device. The conversation of that night took place thusly:

"Where are you going?"
A voice, grim with mustered aggression.

"..."
The interrogation was met with pause, as the loner stayed his course.

"...home."

This surmised reply did not satisfy its hearers.

"What are you going to do then?" Same voice, again. Clearly the speaker is the leader of this posse.

"...sleep." He replied with a shrug of shoulders revealing resignation, and perhaps docility. The lack of resistance gave the antagonists pause - non-chalance in the face of imminent danger is uncommon behaviour.

"Give me your phone and money, or I'll kill ya." The expected threat was delivered with a quiet, almost friendlier tone. The erstwhile leader leaned inwards as if telling a secret.

Silence. The traveler weighed his options. Whatever violence these youths appeared to suggest, their behaviour betrayed a certain amateurity that did not goad him into emptying his pockets.

"Give me your phone and money, or I'll kill ya." His tone grew stronger this time, aided by a stabbing movement with his right hand.

That's better, the traveller mused. Mere possessions were not reason enough to instigate blood-shed this night. Moreover, he had time and opportunity to remember these faces for the police report later. With another shrug, he opened his arms slightly to invite a body-search.

The sight of continued non-resistance was perhaps unsettling to the youths, for they wasted more precious moments deciding whether to advance. Finally, our leader stepped forward to have his purposes realised. His hand reached for the nearest pocket, another light tan appearing to complement his freshly-bearded visage.

Hesitation, the traveler surmised inwardly. Good. The thought of offering them dinner passed his mind, as he calmly ignored the encroaching fingers within his right coat pocket.

Empty. There's a dozen more to search, and a backpack besides. The fingers moved to greener pastures opposite.

But it is too late - that moment when he found the traveler's phone was also a moment when other homeward-bound passengers rounded the corner into the dark. Thus foiled, our muggers slink back down the path and disappear into suburbia.

- - -
I see them off with a mild sense of relief, then return home with a fresh appreciation of the degradation of local society. Neither I nor the eggs and vegetables in my bulging bags would see undue violence tonight, well, until supper anyway.

(Ed: Wow, this was difficult. Just checked on the definition of pronouns - which appears to be much broader than first imagined.)

1) Kip wanted me to add something to LJ.
2) Rita messaged me recently, on one of her blue-moon visits to facebook.

So, I guess this is breaking the silence. I need to keep writing - they say that it is therapeutic.
"Well, okay," I say, "speaking of therapeutic, I haven't been to a therapist yet..."

...I think I'll start sending postcards to PostSecret. I estimate that every one of my entries is going to be published - none of this cheating or brooding-hatred cliches, I'm going to hit home-runs of insight.

That is, until I discover that my thoughts ain't so novel. I'll check out the other four books once the exchange rate peaks.

- - - -
Does anyone have tips on reducing the number of first-person references in a journal? This over-population of ego exerts an unwelcome presence. One could lapse into Wolvish, but such numbers are ungainly, and merely relegates the weight onto other pronouns and obtuse inferences.
Let's do away with personal references altogether, and experiment with conversational flow, hum? A journal thusly-styled harmonises well with the concept of non-existence within Lao-Tse's Taoist philosophy, without the obfuscation of translating said ancient text.

Bereishit once more, and may it be as a river in the thaw of spring (Ha, there's an obvious pronoun, sir!).

Baruch haba ba'shem Adonai,
ZM.

I went to the Barney's Office today, and I told them where I was.



I wish this isn't as familiar to me as it currently feels.

Sydney airport. Again.

Will write up everything soon, I just need a gap between all the work and play. Life was serving some major ass-kicking these days - and I've started taking photoes again, of the beautiful sights on the islands, and a couple of myself.

Stay tuned.

A catalog of things done here so far:
- Saw Townsville.
- Jet ski around Magnetic Island.
- Moped around YHA. Photographed a kookaburra and witness a group of very friendly rainbow parakeets swarm a child. (the child was delighted)
- Had prawn voluntarily. Actually good here; I can't believe it.

Backlogging MovieWorld - I wasn't excited by it. Not a rides man, but oh well. Beaches at Coolangatta have insanely long distances between the street and the ocean - it's a good walk if one intends to take his board.

I seem to have been walking so much on this trip.

Alive and well.

In magnetic island/townsville right now. Will eventually do a summary later on.

I'm in Overdrive mode!

We made it through (God and I, this time, it ain't my plural thinking,) and it was wonderful. THIS is wonderful.

- - - -
I'm going to nail this paper and go take a break in Townsville or something. I seriously want this to happen.

Just to make this clear. What I write is fairly therapeutic for myself - the amount of repetition does not indicate the majority of thought life.

At this point in time, I usually think of electrostatic interactions, sequence maps, energetics of reactions... things pertaining to my looming paper. And then, I think about the Fraxy boss I'm creating. I also think about Hebrew and bible study and whom I would like to catch up with (I'm uniquely suprised at this latter one; I didn't think I had it in me to be anywhere near social). Lastly comes the internal homophobia and 'I wanna be straight' mental whining.


I'm having this armchair politician moment with the recent war in South Ossetia as well. Georgia/Russia for those in the lesser know. I would like to know what other people think of teh causes and the event progressions.
- e.g. it should be inherently obvious that having won the fighting, Russia won't be withdrawing anytime soon.
- e.g. the unasked question about exact motivations for Georgia mobilising the military against separatist groups in the first place. THAT, my friends, is what bugs me. Knowing the deployment of Russian forces and knowing that Moscow supports the opposing faction... it appears to be a poor decision.

A hall of mirrors.

I'm taking some time to slow down and post. All this week, about halfway through each day stres would get to me - I guess I'm not in a position to take it right now.

That sounds like an excuse for everything these days. Internally, I'm all "I'm not dealing with this shit, I have enough on my plate sorting out x and x and y..." As true as that might be, this is really bugging me - I was strong and invincible once. Preparing for the conference and the trip would've been a breeze two years ago.

Right now, more often than not I'm wading through molasses. On empty.

- - -
I'm of two minds about Freedom2B[e].

But then, I'm multi-minded about everything. You never really get completely away from dissociative identity disorder, because your brain is now equipped - wired - to run a different way to most people. I'm not blaming my indecisions and self-debate on this, though.

The burning question I did come up with was: "Like, don't you guys ever feel like wanting kids?" I'm really a family man-type of person, so I don't see myself in the future not starting a (multi-generational,) family of some description. I'm very keen on seeing natural and adopted kids grow up together, and I'm confident that they won't have to fight.

Anyway, back to the meeting tonight. It felt so awkward and intimidating walking through this community centre, posters everywhere proclaiming safe sex practices, regular STD testing, support services for HIV+... Being a medically-inclined person, I already know more than enough about infections and rates and risks and so forth. I'm a bit surprised though that Ben said he knew nothing. I'm a bit surprised that there IS a need for this many posters and cards.

Coming back to the issue... I've been out-of-it at both meeting now. I don't even particularly want to fit in, and it feels so weird to be rude like that. I really want to just break down at one of these meetings, but won't it just be trying to get attention? I don't know if I'm Lawful Good or Lawful Stupid for propping myself up and listening.

Just quietly, the other Asian kid (Thai?) is probably more conflicted. I noticed his behaviour.

Just to let all the other guys know, if one day they come across this place - I'm not a clubbing type; the very idea of stepping into Palms and Stonewall is offputting. Oi vay for the paladin.

- - - -
I was noting a court trial going on about discrimination in the blood donation scheme against homosexual men. It's all well and dandy that 'same-gender relationships can be safe' - but, the current state of society does mean that there are many, many HIV+ people, many of them on the gay scene, and many of them promiscuous. The proof is there behind the bathroom doors of every gay bar, and as I've said it, in all the support centers and stuff. You don't see this scale of campaigning at Carmen's - at least I hope not.

A suggested solution was to introduce an extra set of questions about people's sex lives - since bilaterally monomgamous relationships are fairly foolproof, and ensures non-HIV contamination.

But, question: Who'd answer this properly? And moreso, how many people are there who do not keep track?

I prefer to keep donating blood, so I'd like to remain celibate (same-gender-wise,) even if that was the only reason I have, and I prefer not lying when answering a donor questionnaire. This blood donor card is the closest thing to an "non-practicing-gay card" in my possession.
It's not my way to feel good, but many aspects of our health-care survives on fresh blood.

I'm totally comfortable with placing what I consider to be a duty to other people above myself. I can't explain why. Having missed the van this week at UTS, I'll be doing it elsewhere - probably in Queensland somewhere.

Hey, part II: I honestly think that all this advertising desensitises the senses for those at risk.

There are times when my head won't let me sleep. This is one of them.
- - -
Mum just called. Today being the chinese Father's day, of course - so chatted a little with family. They're having a barbeque at the school for the kids, again.

Because year 2,3,4 complained about how they mied out on the year 1,5,6 bbq earlier.

Ah, that politics which masquerades as "fairness".